Overview
Traditional “equal” chore distribution often doesn’t work for neurodiverse couples because different brains have different strengths, challenges, and executive function patterns. This system helps you create household management that plays to each partner’s strengths while ensuring both partners contribute meaningfully to your shared life.
Instead of fighting over who does what or struggling with systems that don’t work for your brains, you’ll develop personalized approaches that make household management smoother and more sustainable.
What You’ll Get
- Neurotype-Based Task Matching: Framework for assigning responsibilities based on each partner’s cognitive strengths and challenges
- Flexible Organization Systems: Multiple approaches to household organization that accommodate different brain types
- Maintenance Schedules: Sustainable systems for keeping up with household tasks without overwhelming anyone
- Crisis Management Plans: Backup systems for when regular household routines break down
Who This Helps
Ideal For:
- Couples who argue frequently about household responsibilities
- Partners where one person feels like they do all the “invisible” household labor
- Those whose current organization systems constantly fall apart
- Relationships where traditional chore charts or equal splitting doesn’t work
Conditions:
- Essential for ADHD partners who struggle with executive function and consistent follow-through
- Critical for autistic individuals who benefit from clear systems and routines
- Important for anxious partners who need predictability in household management
- Valuable for OCD individuals whose cleanliness needs may differ from their partner’s
How to Use This Tool
Step 1: Skills and Challenges Assessment (20-30 minutes each)
- Complete individual assessments of household management strengths and challenges
- Identify tasks you find energizing vs. draining
- Note any sensory factors that affect your ability to do certain household tasks
- Consider timing and energy patterns that affect household productivity
Step 2: Household Inventory (15-20 minutes together)
- List all regular household tasks and responsibilities
- Note frequency requirements for different tasks
- Identify tasks that are more visible vs. “invisible labor”
- Consider seasonal or periodic tasks that also need management
Step 3: Task Matching and Distribution (20-30 minutes)
- Match tasks to partners based on strengths, preferences, and capacity
- Ensure both partners have meaningful responsibility for household functioning
- Create backup plans for when primary task owners are unavailable or overwhelmed
- Build in flexibility for energy and health fluctuations
Step 4: System Implementation and Tracking (15 minutes setup, ongoing use)
- Set up organization systems, reminders, and tracking methods
- Create clear communication systems about household needs and task completion
- Establish regular review times to assess how the system is working
- Plan for adjustments as circumstances or needs change
Tips for Success
- Play to Strengths: Assign tasks based on what each person does well, not gender roles or equal splitting
- Make Invisible Labor Visible: Ensure both partners understand all the tasks that keep the household running
- Build in Flexibility: Create systems that can adapt when someone is struggling or circumstances change
- Communicate Regularly: Schedule regular check-ins about how household systems are working
When to Use
Major Life Changes:
- When moving in together and establishing shared household systems
- After job changes that affect time, energy, or schedule availability
- When health changes impact ability to manage household responsibilities
- During major life transitions that disrupt existing household routines
Problem-Solving:
- When current household management creates conflict or resentment
- If one partner feels overwhelmed by household responsibilities
- When existing organization systems keep breaking down
- To address different cleanliness or organization standards between partners
Maintenance and Optimization:
- Quarterly reviews to ensure household systems are still working
- When you want to streamline or improve current household management
- After successfully establishing basic systems and wanting to optimize
- When household needs change due to lifestyle or family changes
System Components Preview
Individual Assessment Areas:
Executive Function Strengths:
- Planning and organizing abilities
- Follow-through and task completion patterns
- Memory and reminder system needs
- Decision-making preferences and challenges
Energy and Timing Factors:
- Peak performance times for household tasks
- How long you can sustain focus on household management
- Energy restoration needs after completing household tasks
- Preferences for routine vs. flexible scheduling
Sensory and Physical Considerations:
- Tasks that are sensory-friendly vs. challenging
- Physical limitations or preferences for certain types of work
- Environmental needs for completing household tasks effectively
- Tools or modifications that make tasks easier or more pleasant
Task Distribution Framework:
Categories by Neurotype Strengths:
- Detail-Oriented Tasks: Bill paying, organizing, inventory management, planning
- High-Energy Tasks: Deep cleaning, yard work, heavy lifting, active organization
- Creative Tasks: Decorating, meal planning, organizing systems design, problem-solving
- Routine Tasks: Daily maintenance, regular cleaning, ongoing organization, care tasks
Backup and Support Systems:
- Primary and secondary responsibility assignments
- Support roles when primary person is struggling
- Crisis management when regular systems break down
- Communication systems for requesting help or reporting issues
Organization Systems Options:
ADHD-Friendly Approaches:
- Visual organization systems and reminders
- Timer-based task completion methods
- Reward systems for consistent task completion
- Body doubling or parallel task completion
Autism-Friendly Approaches:
- Detailed routines and consistent scheduling
- Clear categorization and organization systems
- Sensory-appropriate tools and environments
- Predictable patterns and minimal changes
Anxiety-Friendly Approaches:
- Clear expectations and defined responsibilities
- Backup plans and emergency procedures
- Regular communication and check-in systems
- Stress reduction strategies for household management
Sample Household Management Plan
Partner A (ADHD): Takes responsibility for high-energy tasks like deep cleaning and yard work, uses timer systems for task completion, handles creative meal planning and shopping
Partner B (Autism): Manages detailed tasks like bill paying and organizing, maintains daily routines like dishwashing and tidying, creates and updates household systems and schedules
Shared Responsibilities: Weekly planning meetings, decision-making about major household changes, backup support when primary person is struggling
Communication Systems: Daily quick check-ins about household needs, weekly planning and review meetings, clear protocols for requesting help or reporting problems
Related Tools
- Daily Routine Compatibility Worksheet
- Sensory Environment Checklist
- Communication Scripts for Difficult Conversations
Get More Support
Nemlys provides personalized household management coaching and can help you create systems that evolve with your relationship and life circumstances.
Ready to download? Click the download button above to get your Household Management System and create domestic harmony that works with your brains, not against them.